A Long Night
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Bar pickup
While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."
A Donkey And A Bar
This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.” The guy does this and gets his free beer. The next night the guy sees a different sign. It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer. The barman then asks, "How did you do it?" The guy answers, " To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him"
5 Stages of Being Drunk
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
6 Shots of Whiskey
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. 'What can I get you?' the barman asks. 'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man. 'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?' 'Yeah, my first blowjob.' 'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.' The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
A giraffe, a skunk, and a deer go into a bar. The Bartender comes over and takes their order, comes back and says, "Okay, which one of you is paying?" The skunk says, "I've only got one cent on me." And the deer says, "I've only had a buck on me since last Thursday." So the giraffe says, "I guess Highballs are on me!"
"The problem with the world is that everyone is few drinks behind." - Humphery Bogart
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - W.C. Fields
"I feel sorry for the people who don't drink, when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra
"You're not a drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman
"Drinking removes warts and wrinkles from women I look at." - Jackie Gleason
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life." - George Bernard Shaw
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde
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Funny Bar Jokes we've started collecting. 
